(sighing)

I can't decide how I feel about a certain friend. Ah me, I think I personalize too much of what is said. I should work on that.

Connor, Connor, will you ever updat? I can't even think about linking you until you update. You should be proud of me, though you'll never read this. I pick up the NY Times every day. I even read it. (and then I recycle. Yes, I am green!) I was right about Obama. Of course I was. I've been predicting it since last year. (and I mean school year not as in December 29th jaja) Do you think Hilary will make it out of the primaries? I don't think she will. I think it would be too difficult of a ticket for the Dems to propose. She simply has too high of a hate index, she's too controversial. I'm hearing that her lax position on the 'war' even has several Democrats against her. And what was she thinking spending all that time in Pakistan and Iraq? She let Obama have the entire state of NY to himself for a few days! What foolishness. Do you think Kerry will really make a run at it? And on the Republican side, all I have heard is the Mormon from Massachusettes. Who else Connor? Where are you when I need you to tell me who else in the beloved party is going to run? Somehow, I miss our sparing. Have I told you Connor? I'm going to be a PoliSci major. Who'd've picked it? I told Meyer, he just stared at me and then said, "but you slept through AP Gov." Jaja. What ironies of life.

I woke up this morning happy. Do you know how long it has been since that happened? And I didn't have a headache. Maybe this whole not cracking my neck/back oath with God really has some ramifications. Either way, I'm keeping it.

Either way, I was happy. Or content. Somewhere in my dreams, or perhaps in floor worship last night, something changed. God seemed to have changed, but then, that isn't possible. I guess I changed then. Of course, it seems so logical, so simple to say that. But something in it seems so much wider and deeper to me. I changed. I became more aligned with who God is. I fell down a level and deeper into the great waters of his love. I think the water up there, it was icy and cold, I had to be woken up to something. I had to be refreshed. Kenji says you can only be refreshed to a certain point before you want to climb back into the car and be comfortable again. But God didn't leave that as an option. He held my head under icy water, icy and then released me. I don't even think I came up for air before I sank down deeper. And there was something I found below the arctic. I didn't know which way was up or down, I was swimming in dark circles, full of pain and confusion. It hurt. A lot. And then I got down, somehow He pulled me down, and I found that the water below the ice is actually warmer.

Isn't that something? It was warmer. Sweeter. Not comfortable. But then not so painful. I think there must be words swarming all around me in the water. My eyes are being washed. Sometimes, silt and sand comes in and it hurts. It burns. But it seems to scrape a film from my cornea. And then I can see even more clearly. It's like an exfoliant for my eyes, and my skin as well. I'm being scraped of my humanness. I'm learning what it is to be without humanity.

And somehow, it is beautiful. In all its unexpectancy.