welome to seattle. I walked to safeway in the pouring rain today. (without an umbrella)

The sky is grey, soft and far away. The last leaves cling to just a few of the enormous trees out her window. Houses dot the hillside. Another car has just come into the parking lot. A red fence sags under the wight of water. It rained today. But that is not a surprise. It rains everyday. Christmas lights twinkle around the ceiling of her room. There she lies, on the bed, freezing under a blanket. Someone is screaming and running in the hall. Sighing, she throws the blanket back, gets up, shuts the door. She settles down again, with another blanket and a mug of cold tea. This time on the desk, cheek pressed against the glass that lets in the outside world. Her breath makes fog on the cold window. Outside there is nothing, only greyness. A song plays from her laptop.

And it's just you and me
here now
Only you and me
Here now.
And I will
Worship
you lord, only you Lord
and I will, I will bow down
before you, only you Lord.

and it's just you and me here now.
only you and me
it's you and me
and it's just you and me
here now.

She sits the mug on the desk, empty. Burries her head in her hands and cries. God, God where are you? Where have you been? What is this that I have fallen into? This is not me, this is a lie, and it is apart from you. O God, O God, what have I become? her voice begins to rise, she begins to rock. Back and forth, back and forth. Save me, from myself. I'm so afraid, so alone, so not who I am, who I was, who I want to be. But you promised! and then softer, you promised. And I will wait on you.

The sun breaks through the clouds. Not strong, a single ray. But the rain has stopped. A shaft of light breaks into the grey landscape. Another leaf flutters to the ground, dancing on the wind, fighting to stay in the sky, but in the end he reaches the moist ground where he will disolve and lose shape. But everything must die before it can truly live.

I must die before I can truly live.