I am terrified

of leaving.

what am I going to do? Oh God, let me go to Seattle so I will at least know Hannah. And what if I fail? What if I lose the scholarships that are somehow making this dream possible? What if I end up like Rusty, a drop out, stocking shelves at Wal-Mart? Or Target, or where ever my failure of a cousin is at these days. What if I hate it? What if I just want to come home? What if everyone hates me? What if I'm not as smart as I sometimes think I am? What if I give in to peer pressure because I am so desperate for friends? what if I lose it? What if I lose my faith? What if I forget about everyone I'm leaving behind? And I don't just mean the ones that are going away as well, but what about Kara, Justin, John? What about Maryn? How can I survive without Parm yelling at me four times a week?

I'm so scared that I'm going to end up screwing everything up. You know, I am finally okay with life here. Colorado is growing on me, Grace is nice, I have friends, I have something of a group to hang with (even if I am the oddball), I have a life here. I'm so scared of just up and leaving it. But if I don't go away, everyone else is leaving, everyone else is going. I feel like I must be the only one who isn't ready for this. Everyone told me that come March I would be dying to get out of here. Well it is April in 1 hour and 52 minutes, and the desire to leave hasn't hit me yet. What if I'm like Rusty and I just can't admit it to myself that I don't want to go to college? What if I go to the wrong place? What if I do the wrong major? What if I do graduate in three years, then what?

I'm so scared. We started talking about my grad party this week. Oh my gosh, this week is my last Spring Break ever as a child. Ever. I have to grow up now, or at least, in something like 53 days, I have to grow up. How does this not freak everyone out? How does one deal with this calmly, let alone look forward to it with excitement?

oh my gosh. I can't do this. I just, can't.


I need to go listen to Redemption Songs. That will make me feel better, especially number three. Yay Jars of Clay.

Ma as-salaamah,
sara