A Real Post!

I have something of a confession to make.

I have been getting caught in a lot of situations with gossip lately. People talking about others, even in places, and at times when it would seem most obvoius not too. LIke at Winter Retreat in our small group, we ended up gossipping about a fellow brother at the church. It was hard to curb the conversation too, because everything that was being said about this person was completely true. It wasn't rumors or lies, it was just our experiences with this brother, and the way we felt towards him.

I didn't realize until well into the conversation that this was gossip. And then, when I did realize that gossip isn't just rumors, it is anything said to be damaging to another, well then it seemed too late, because the conversation had already taken place and I had done nothing to stop it.

Earlier this week I was in another situation when several of my friends and I were discussing how we feel about a certain person in leadership at our church. Needless to say- the discussion was not on the bright side. I actually had some major opinions on this issue, and though I didn't let them all be known, I did say a few things that were damaging, and would have been hurtful had this leader been standing in our midst. One of the young men in our group, glanced over at us (we were in a large circle, but it was two different conversations going on). He looked--almost sad--and he looked me straight in the eye to. This was especially hard for me because I don't talk to this guy very much, but it was as though he were looking right at me and asking me, why was I not saying anything in defense of this leader? and worse yet-why was I participating in the conversation at all.

But I went on, becasue I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to because I felt that I had something to say and the right to say it. Freedom of speech! Oh my word, I can't even begin to describe it to you. I suddenly just stood there, or perhaps I was still talking. But my mind was in a completely different world. I suddenly felt so carnal, so full of the flesh. And oh my goodness, I was disgusting, becuase I, I was enjoying it.

So I have to confess to all of you that I am still fleshly. I know that may seem very obvious to some of you, it is to me on most days. But it jsut really hit me hardcore that day. I am sorry that I didn't do anything to stop the conversation, and I'm sorry that I enjoyed gorging myself on the damaging conversation taking place.

I want to apologize to all of you involved in the conversation, I should have said something. I should have walked away. I should have at least frowned and shook my head in some amount of disapproval or dismay. I'm sorry I stood there and did nothing.

And, though he does not read this blog, I want to apologize to that young man who so convicted me of my actions that night. I can't believe I turned around and acted that way, even after our conversation at winter retreat. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.

I promise to try and do better next time.

gule, gule,
sara