Alright, I am doing better now

Yeah, you can pretty much ignore everything from my previous post. It's all okay now. I just had so much building up and building up and I just needed to scream. Well, the pillow wasn't working out so hot, and I didn't have Ashley, so I took to the internet.

So, this may sound stupid, but I have to tell you about I have pretty much fallen in love with someone.

Yesterday, I saw this painting/scultpting/drawing/thing that he made for me. Well, okay, not exactly for me, but I was looking at it, and it was so beautiful and so perfect for how I was feeling in that moment, that I knew it just had to be for me. I just felt so overwhelmed at his amazing talent, isn't so weird and almost new age sounding , but it spoke to me. It just said volumes. Jaja, volumes in three little words. I love you.

And then, you know what else? On Sunday, I heard this song on the radio. It talked about, well, love or something like that. I mean, isn't it funny, most songs today are about love? I just thought about that, I mean, how important it is in our culture. And how lucky we all are if we actually find someone. I've been so worried for the longest time that I wouldn't ever find someone, and I'm still a little nervous that I'm not going to.

But we were singing a song at Continental League, called set me as a seal. It was so beautiful, asking the one you love to set you as a seal upon their heart. A seal in the sense of how a king used to mark official papers with his signet ring pressed in wax. Isn't that so amazing? You know what is even more amazing? I am a seal on this guy's heart. He told me that recently. That he loves me beyond words, and cares about me more than I can imagine. And when I got teary-eyed when the tenors sang, well, it was even more, all the better because I know that I already hold that position in someone's heart, and will for ever more.

Have you talked to him? Because he feels that way about you too. Isn't that amazing? That he can love us all like that?

Man, I am so in awe of God lately.

Godspeed,
sara

(ps, the picture/painting/drawing/sculpting thing was this incredible view down one of the streets in Denver yesterday, and you could totally see Mt. Evans towering above the city. It was so beautiful, and it struck because it was in the middle of the city, which is beautiful to me, but it was so much more amazing, beyond anything man made.)

OH MY GOSH!

Everyone at my house is in a really bad mood. They say they are just fine, but noooo, no one is happy at my house. WE ARE ALL PISSED OFF AT EACH OTHER.


And the stupid house is so freaking small that I can go no where to get away from it all. My god, I have basically shut my self up in the office, as though that isolates me from my father watching tv like ten feet outside the door.

So, be prepared, don't read this if you don't want to. But I am going to rant. (oh and if you do leave a comment, do NOT lecture me about how great my life is. I do not freaking care today, okay? okay.)

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO TUNISIA. The reason I wanted to go, moron was because you were going. I don't want to walk around for ten days and pray. Okay? Praying is not my thing, it's great and all, but no, I REFUSE to do that for a week or more, straight. I don't pray like everyone else, and I will not be forced onto a trip where that is all we are going to do, and everyone is staring at me when I do something other than what they expect out of the stupid pastor's daughter. No, okay? Don't try to talk me into it, I am not going. Okay? Capiche?

I WANT TO GO TO TURKEY. Okay, I don't really understand mom's whole issue about me flying through Germany. Really, I think I can handle myself. I know you said that I would have a good time, yeah, okay, why do you think I want to go? I mean, it's more than just that, I want to go and serve God, obviously, but I want to enjoy serving him. I don't mean that in the shallow way it sounds either. I mean that in the, I want to be happy and not be pissed off the whole trip kind of way. Sort of. I can't really explain it. But you know what? I didn't meet Dorle for no reason. That family didn't get home early for no reason! HELLO? Oh my word, coincedences don't exist, arent you the one who told me that? THis is something that I want to do, how can you not understand that? I DON'T CARE ABOUT TWO EXTRA DAYS IN LONDON EITHER. I don't want my summer to be a mirage of Missions and Family trips. I want to be at home with my friends. Okay? Becuase I am not okay with change, and this summer is going to be crappy enough.

Yes, I want pizza tonight. Oh my gosh, I can't drive. Whoa, shocker, sorry I realized that last minute and I'm sorry you got all pissed off at mom as though it was entirely her fault. I mean it is, becuase she's the one who took the keys away, but I am the one who came home 45 minutes late last night. My lord, be mad at me for crying out loud. Then go to sleep and get over it. I'm sorry you are so tired, woop dee doo, welcome to my world. We call it the place where I am always running on starbucks and am addicted to coffee and will probably never get off of it because I can't survive without it, because I am always exhausted.

And I'm sorry I got home late last night. But really, 9:30 was UNREASONABLE. And mom seriously, you didn't want me to go out. Why did you leave the decision up to me? Because I am mature enough to say no and stay at home on a Saturday night? What the frick? No. Mature, I am not, at least not in the way you want me to be. It just isn't gonna happen. If you didn't want me to go out, you should have just said no. And onthe issue of TP, I, sorry to say, couldn't care less what your feelings are. I am a senior in highschool. I go to a youth group where TPing is a practically a requirement among my friends. I will TP and someday when I am old, will apologize and actually mean it. I'm sorry I dissappointed you, but really, I'm not sorry I had a good time last night. I'm not sorry that we almost hit a mailbox and that I supposedly blew Mr. Lira off when asked to clean up the TP. I'm sorry that you waited up for me. But like I said tonight, that is your decision. None of my other friends' parents wait up for them, you are the oddity. Do you have any idea how trapped I felt last night? How trapped you make me feel every time I go out? I want to get home so you can go to bed and not be pissy the next day, but I want to enjoy life too. I did well last semester, give me a break, I WILL enjoy my freaking senior year. And last night? You were already mad at me when I left, there was much incentive for me to come home ontime. although, with God as my witness, I planned to be home at 9:25, just to make you feel at least a bit more charitable towards me. But oh my word, I had a rebellious moment. Even if I had come home after TPing Logan's I still would have been late, and you still would have been pissed. So really, I might as well have enjoyed my last night of freedom.

And I'm sorry that you are going to miss me so much when I go to college. I'll miss you too, really, I will. But I am not going to miss your unreasonable rules. I am 18 in a few months. A legal adult. I already have a lot more responsibilities than most of my friends. But I don't have nearly as much freedom. Do you realize how embarrassing it was to have that guy at Blockbuster tell me I couldn't rent Animal House because you had a stupid thing on the card about no R rated movies? I don't care about the stupid worker. But do you know that I almost died of mortification in front of my friends? I was dying, because of one of your STUPID rules.

I don't know. I am ranting a lot. I am really frustrated. Obviously I know.

But mom just brought me down dinner to the office. And while that would be a sign of making up, did you see the way she stormed out? As though I was an inconvenience? I offered to buy pizza because she isn't feeling well!!! Oh my gosh, GOD! I can do nothing right in this place! It is never enough! They love me, but are they ever really really proud and content with me? No! They always want something more, something more mature, more amazing. God, I can't do this. I'm not perfect. I never will be.

And frankly, I don't to be. That would be the crappiest thing ever.

A Real Post!

I have something of a confession to make.

I have been getting caught in a lot of situations with gossip lately. People talking about others, even in places, and at times when it would seem most obvoius not too. LIke at Winter Retreat in our small group, we ended up gossipping about a fellow brother at the church. It was hard to curb the conversation too, because everything that was being said about this person was completely true. It wasn't rumors or lies, it was just our experiences with this brother, and the way we felt towards him.

I didn't realize until well into the conversation that this was gossip. And then, when I did realize that gossip isn't just rumors, it is anything said to be damaging to another, well then it seemed too late, because the conversation had already taken place and I had done nothing to stop it.

Earlier this week I was in another situation when several of my friends and I were discussing how we feel about a certain person in leadership at our church. Needless to say- the discussion was not on the bright side. I actually had some major opinions on this issue, and though I didn't let them all be known, I did say a few things that were damaging, and would have been hurtful had this leader been standing in our midst. One of the young men in our group, glanced over at us (we were in a large circle, but it was two different conversations going on). He looked--almost sad--and he looked me straight in the eye to. This was especially hard for me because I don't talk to this guy very much, but it was as though he were looking right at me and asking me, why was I not saying anything in defense of this leader? and worse yet-why was I participating in the conversation at all.

But I went on, becasue I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to because I felt that I had something to say and the right to say it. Freedom of speech! Oh my word, I can't even begin to describe it to you. I suddenly just stood there, or perhaps I was still talking. But my mind was in a completely different world. I suddenly felt so carnal, so full of the flesh. And oh my goodness, I was disgusting, becuase I, I was enjoying it.

So I have to confess to all of you that I am still fleshly. I know that may seem very obvious to some of you, it is to me on most days. But it jsut really hit me hardcore that day. I am sorry that I didn't do anything to stop the conversation, and I'm sorry that I enjoyed gorging myself on the damaging conversation taking place.

I want to apologize to all of you involved in the conversation, I should have said something. I should have walked away. I should have at least frowned and shook my head in some amount of disapproval or dismay. I'm sorry I stood there and did nothing.

And, though he does not read this blog, I want to apologize to that young man who so convicted me of my actions that night. I can't believe I turned around and acted that way, even after our conversation at winter retreat. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.

I promise to try and do better next time.

gule, gule,
sara

AHHHH!

I am asking someone to Sadie Hawkins. Please pray for me, I am scared out of my mind.


actually, I am not worried about him. Here is the deal. I work until about 5:30. Then, I have League Choir Practice at 6:30 at school. We asked the boys (two of us are doing this at once) to meet us at ten to six. At the mall. then we have a little scavenger hunt thing, there are five clues total. I told my guy on one of the envelopes that he has like 30 mintues, tops. I really need him to finish in that amount of time, and the other guy too, because of how all this is being worked out. Yeah, so basically, I am just a little worried that I won't make it back to choir practice in time and Parm will hate me. I might talk to her tomorrow morning, but I am not sure. So please just pray that all of this works out, and then that I don't suddenly break out all over my face because of the strees. That would really stink since the dance is Saturday.


Allaha ismarladik,
sara

Hola muchachos!

oooh!.... hahaha (for those that get it)

anyway, I don't have much time, but I thought, I could put up a couple of quotes from CR.


Vincent: Connor! You got beef?
Connor: No, I got the whole cow!
Vincent: I don't care, I'm going to punch you!

Austin: Hey Vincent, you got beef?
Vincent: I got the whole cow, dumbass!

Stephanie sits down next to me
Sara: that seat is taken
Stephanie: by who?
Sara: My boyfriend
Stephanie: I am your boyfriend
Sara: no, your hair is too long
Stephanie: for you, I would cut it....

Brittany: I hate it when people crap my toes!

adios mariposas!
sara

ps, I know the one with vincent is bad... oh well. it was funny cuase he just said that so naturally, like he uses it all the time....

Okay...

A small window popped up, flashing, words written across the top line of a small white box in the center. An inside joke. I grinned and replied with my part of the joke. The conversation went on for a few minutes. Rememberances, promises to mention one another to a distant friend we might see tomorrow, mentions of the future, dreams, forgotten things.

Then silence.

No new words jumping onto the screen with some hidden mesage deep at the heart of them. Only silence. I stared at the screen, waiting. He must say something. He must. And quickly, or I will soon blurt out the news of old. Quickly now, say something. Why this strange emptiness between the wires? Say something!

And then they appeared. The words I so badly needed to keep myself in check. Yet the verylast ones that I wanted to read. I have to go. Goodbye. God Bless. No, I felt like screaming. I wanted to reach through the computer, melt away the distance in between and grab ahold of him before he could leave. Please, please don't go, I whispered. But that was foolish, he couldn't hear me, and I knew it.

The window says he has left. Slowly, I type the words. One letter at a time, almost afraid that he is looking over my shoulder watching my heart spill out onto the keys.

I love you. I'm sorry I have never said so. But I love you.

My pinky reaches over, taps the enter key lightly, sends the message through wires, underground over mountain, land, sea. Deep in the cool, dark forest, back out into the blazing heat of some strange land. In a matter of seconds they have reached him. But he is not there. He is not at the computer, and he can not see the words as the automatic message reminds me that he is signed off and was unable to recieve the message.

I sigh and leave the room. Forget why I was telling you this, forget why I said that to him. I close the door behind me, smile joyfully, because in the midst of all this I have found my happiness. And soon enough, I know, I will forget him as well. And the strange way my heart flutters when he comes into view. I may never forget him, the way he laughs, or the way his eyes look after he has cried, but I will soon enough forget the feeling in my stomach.

This too shall pass.

Ciao!
sarita

So this needed updated... but I have no time

Logan:Sara doesn't want to serve Jesus!

there. hope you had a merry christmas and happy new year. I know I did.