If I hate highschool drama,

why have I recently found myself in the aforenamed quagmire?

He is going to homecoming with someone else, which I guess is to be expected. I mean, I kind of expected him to take her in the back of my mind. God, it is my senior year, and this is the year I didn't really care about homecoming, or so I thought. Now that he's going with someone else, that last ray of hope of ever going to a school dance, or actually doing something like that has just vanished in the cloud cover. Come on! What did I do wrong? Or was it that I am too shy and did nothing at all?

Today Brittany and I were admiring the waiter at Chili's and poor Cameron had to sit there and listen to it. You should have seen the look on his face, we laughed at him and said we were sorry, but really, the guy had amazing blue eyes. Anyway, I thought it was funny, that Cam was sitting there, like Oh my gosh, why did I choose to sit with the girls? So I came home and was telling my dad, and my mother flips out on me, saying it was so rude to say that in front of him after he took me to the movies last weekend. I was like, excuse me, my lord, it's not as though we are dating or something. Maybe if we were going out, I would see the validity in her point but we are not. I consider myself free and clear, completely single. I mean, if the boy liked me, he would ask me to homecoming, but he hasn't, so, obviously, there isn't going to be anything there anyway. Anyway, now my mom is mad at me, and just told me that she didn't appreciate the way I talked to her. Well, here's some news, I don't appreciate the way you tlaked to me. She said that when I don't have a homecoming or prom date not to come crying to her.

WHY DOES LIFE SEEM TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT? I have come to terms with the fact that I am not going to a school dance. I understand that. It no longer bothers me. I have come to accept that I am probably never going to date in highschool, because of the three guys I would be willing to date, one does not want a girlfriend, one likes someone else, and the other I have nothing in common with. Yeah, so, uh, not happening.

And really, I am becoming okay with you saving me. I mean, that is sort of what you're doing right? But come on, there has got to be something else! I mean, why are you doing all of this to me? My missional community? God, how could you have put me there? I won't even pretend to understand your mind, because I doubt that I will ever know why you put me there? I don't want to be there! And come on, I was the one who was excited for your plan in the church! I was the one supporting this! And you put me there? God, please, show me a reason why.

And school! I have no friends at school save friends from church! I hate how judgemental some of my Christian friends are, and I hate how broken and hurting my lost friends are, yet I can't help them! God I grew out of this hell when I was a sophomore! We both know that, I have been ready to graduate since the 10th grade! Why? Why would you put me so far ahead of my class? Why?

I love you, you know that. But I don't understand any of what you are doing. I don't think I want to, because I guess that would ruin the beauty of seeing it unfold. But it hurts, and senior year wasn't supposed to hurt! I was okay this summer, I accepted the no boyfriendness, I had moved on, and I still feel like I am on the right side of that bridge. But God! Why does it suddenly hurt again? And why does it hurt so bad? This isn't a stub your toe kind of pain, this is like, breaking both arms, and I can't get to the emergency room fast enough kind of pain.

But isn't this strange. In the middle of all of this crud, I am actually okay. I mean, it hurts and I cry sometimes because I am so confused and lost, but you know that hymn? It is well with my soul. I feel like Paul sometimes, like, I am okay with whatever you are doing, even though it stinks majorly. I am okay with it somehow, because, by your grace, I think I understand that this is like the black thread woven into my tapestry, and it will make the weaving all that more beautiful in the end. But God, I wish the end would come quickly.

Here I am at what feels like the end
So I come to you my Lord again...
In this trial that I'm going through
I don't question cause I know it's true
That the sorrow brings me back to you
And you have made me stronger

It's been 40 days and 40 nights
Down the road of many trials
And I pray it's only for a season
Cause in the wilderness and in the flood
You're the one I'm thinking of
And I know you've brought me for a reason

Insh'allah
sara