I should really be studying for my exam tomorrow. But what can I say? I am an average 17 year old who just wants to hang out and have fun. I talk, a lot. But then, I'm sure you have figured that out by now. I feel like we have covered the basics, you know, my favorite colour is blue and yellow, oh and green, and yours is green (and something else I can't remember). You like Blink 182, I like just about everything
except Blink 182.
I think the one thing I haven't told you about is me though. I mean, really me. Because Jeff, you aren't exactly the easiest person to talk to. Which is weird, because I like talking. But you just have this weird aura or something. It kind of reminds me of nathan, who looks at me when I'm talking to him. I mean, isn't that what we're supposed to do? but it unnerves me. You've probably noticed, I don't keep eye contact with you, I'm always doing something with my hands, or looking around while we're talking. Maybe I have ADHD or something, maybe I'm insecure, though that one I am doubtful of. So this is me.
I am finally ready to leave this place. Don't get me wrong, the mountains and open barren landscape have definitely grown on me. But I am ready to leave. Not ready to go off and experience the world, trust me, I've done that more than most people imagine. But I'm ready to get out of here, maybe in college I'll find a place to fit. I mean, do you ever go to RMCC, or whereever it is you go now, and just look around at the people and wonder what you are doing there? Have you ever been there without Aaron and just completely questioned the whole purpose of going? I have been doing that so much lately. I just go places and feel like the misfit, I stick out like a sore elbow sometimes. You know, all my Mormon friends have these inside jokes and stories from seminary or chapel. I love them, and they are some of my greatest friends, but it doesn't work. Maybe it's because of the inbreeding. Haha.
So that is a big reason why I am ready to get out of here. I feel like lately I have grown away from everyone here in a big way. I just want to be with no one, and yet everyone at the same time. I am scared to leave, but that is becasue I am afraid I made the wrong decision--which I know that I didn't but I will worry that until Luke and I come home after double majoring and dance on the Parm's beloved chairs in the choir room (while eating pancakes... I am counting the days).
Isn't this strange too, I just want to hang with God. I want to talk to people about God. Last night we talked predestination v free will at youth group. It was so stupid. I hate that conversation, because it is perfectly circular and no one comes out with a good answer. Want to know why? Because He's God, and we can't put God in a box. (and yes, I am becoming more Calvinist with each passing day.) That's not the kind of conversation I want to have about God. Theology has its place, don't get me wrong. But theology (shocking!) doesn't win people to Christ. His love does. And you know what else? I think, no, I know, He wants us to enjoy life. That's what I want to talk about. I am so happy, Jesus loves me.
He loves me. Isn't that so crazy? I just want to sit with people who want know God like me, people who are just craving knowledge of him, not as a formulaic being who we can dissect, but as someone who is incomprehensible and yet, at the same time, so simple and pleasing that a child can understand Him. That's what I want to talk about.
I don't know why I am writing this to you. Maybe because, today I realized that I know so little about you, and vice versa. Maybe I feel obliged considering this weekend is costing you like $150. Maybe somewhere deep down I think I understand why Hannah thinks highly of you and Aaron and I want to know you better because of that.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many maybes.
I am excited about everything write now, and yet insanely nervous. But that's cool, because we are going to have a blast. Yes siree, we are going to have so much fun. Although I don't know how it will all work out. That's the thing I
do like about Calvinism and predestination. I have no idea how it will all work out, but God has it entirely planned and perfected. Even little, unimportant things like this weekend.
I don't think that you will read this. But who can say? Maybe you will.
Doskoro,
sara
