Dear Goknertap

This sucks.

I miss you. Please, skip camp and come visit me in Colorado. I mean, it isn't all that bad. My kids are super fun, even if they are both ganging up on me and crushing me in "Risk." Bailey and I played in her pool yesterday. The walls fill up with water and have holes that shoot out the cool blue liquid.

I wrote about seven pages yesterday. It was lovely.

I cleaned my room and went through my first box. You know that book I borrowed from Lauren? About ending global poverty? Well it's one of three books I'm reading right now, so I'm still in the introduction... But it really convicted me. I need to get rid of all my junk, you know? I don't understand how I could have accumulated so much junk over one year. And it wasn't even a year!

Isn't that interesting? It was barely nine months, but my life has moved on so much. I don't understand. Gok, how is it that we went so deep so fast in only nine months? Is it possible for me to do that with people here at home? I'm going back to school in three months, though, so is it even worth it? But these people were my life until last August. I still cry when I watch the Costa Rica dvd. So I guess, in some ways... they still are my life.

But you are my life now. Our emo-ness and crazy headbanging. 352 and 378 is my life. And so is Karin, and the craziness of Amanda and August. Kelliega cheers me up, always. With Kayti I can go on long walks, swear when a car tries to run us off the road. Sarah... ah Muktuk. What can be said? Krysta and Natalie and Katie and JJ. Seattle is my life. SPU is my life.

I never thought I would say it... I even miss Nick's whinning.

Jesus come quickly.

(I am your friend... I just don't have time for you)
sara

social darwinism (or, a letter)

Dear Dr. Davis

tomorrow I will be turning in to you something akin to a rough draft of my paper. I have to confess that I don't really know what to be writing about, and I don't know that I am doing a good job at making this argument. But tomorrow is Friday and after weeks of working on this paper, I am pretty exhausted. I'm ready to be done and if we are genetically predisposed to either laziness of a drive for good grades.... well usually I would fall within the latter, but tonight I am of the former. Take that Somit and Peterson.

This email isn't really important. I just wanted to give you a heads up. It's a pretty muddy paper, but I can't do anything about it. There is no one to edit it, and I have no energy left to put much more work into it. At this point, so long as I pass through the course, I will be okay with (mostly) whatever grade I recieve. I just want to be done.

sorry sorry

I haven't updated in a while. life has been crazy.

this time two weeks, and I will have been home for my second day.

tomorrow I am going camping (and probably going to cry).

next week I have test after test after paper after presentation due.

next week I finish and begin another year.

tonight I am doing laundry.

tonight I am laughing outloud.

(and I have been updating the wordpress blog)

alright. I think I've got it.

Don't worry. I'll still update the ole blog. but I really like Wordpress. I think it's a bit easier to navigate, and I like the way it looks, frankly. there are still things that need to be worked out, but I'm enjoying it thus far.

anyway. here it is. check it out. check it out.

ciao.
sara

Just so you all know...

I am looking into moving my blog to wordpress.com.

actually, I have the site set up, I'm just tweeking. So... be prepared.

but that doesn't mean I won't update here every so often. I just need a change. Ah, change is good.


wake up O sleeper.
rise up and Christ will shine on you.
wake up O sleeper
rise up and Christ will shine on you.

Update

I love Sarah Jean Barton.

yes, it's true.

anyway, had dinner with a prof tonight. Very good, really helpful. I'd been having some questions about this class (Social Darwinism). It's all the philosophy majors, they just talk and talk and I can't follow them at all. So it was great to have Davis explain Neitzche and Scientific Materialism to me in more detail with just my questions. We also talked about my paper. He thinks I should do the Darwinism/Religious Consciousness bent. I was going to do survival of the fittest in terms of countries and imperialism. Meh, who knows if I could really have made a paper out of that and researched it?

Thomas Chandler made it into USAFA. another one bites the dust. Ach, could be worse, I'm giving him my parent's information for being a sponsor family. He and my dad would get along I think. But then, I've only talked to him once, so I could be wrong.

I got an email from Suzie today! She said I am welcome in Costa Rica any time. And if Tunisia doesn't work out, well I may be taking her up on it in September. Laaaa. Jesus, I hope something works out.

I think that's it. Gotta go call mum anyway, so yeah.

Keep the families from Tech in your prayers.
sara

hello hello

I'm back at school after a great relaxing spring break. Yesterday I started classes. I had three out of my four: Christian Formation, Social Darwinism in Politics and Foundations for Educational Ministry. I'm pretty excited about all of them. We did everything from watching ten minutes of the Matrix (do you want the truth Neo? or do you want to go back to the easy life?) to discussing mathematics in terms of Intelligent Design. Yep, it was a very interesting day.

Not a whole lot else has happened. Two of my friends and I went swimming last night at the community pool. We're going to swim laps about three times a week, it's going to be wonderful. My friend Kellie and I also visited U-Village, it's a cute little shopping center by University of WA--sort of like a very compact Aspen Grove in Colorado. It's wonderful, the Barnes and Noble is glouriously huge and i shouldn't go in there with a credit card.

In other news... I have plenty to do today. A book to read, a third of another book to read, an essay by Dr. West to read, and a scholarship application to fill out. So, as this quarter is off to a busy start, please just keep me in your prayers that I would be able to finish strong in these last ten weeks. The sun outside is quite wonderful, but very distracting (as is my computer...). Also, roommate things are starting to pick up, and I don't want to be in the middle of a threesome who all want to room together. That always makes things interesting.

So, that's about it. Please just keep me in your prayers. I'm learning a lot right now in my walk with God and much of it is difficult. My room is already a mess and I'll have to clean it before I can even begin to start thinking about all my homework. And both jobs that I was looking into have not worked out. But most of all, I just need prayer for my walk with God and all that He is teaching me. No pain, no gain, definitely does not apply to only physical things. :o) But perserverance produces character and hope right? yeah, so things should be interesintg the next couple of months.

baruch ADONAI,
sara

We Own the Other Team! (woot)

I am coming home tomorrow!!

I am so happy, finals are done. Classes are done. Thank you Jesus, I made it through Soc, that truly is a miracle. Now, if Ican just get through tonight and tomorrow, that would be amazing. I can feel adrenaline coursing through every part of me and something inside me screams, I am coming home!

And Alicia made me a cd! (I'll fight till I drown... It's not even about Anita!) bah. what great times.

Does anyone still read this?

somehow I feel that blogsa re becoming a thing of the past.

Well. to life.

I am going to Robb's house tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaaay. I got to talk to him on Tuesday night, that was really good. I am so obsessed with finding a new older brother on campus. Even if he doesn't yet know it. Actually, I think he kind of does, because of the way we talk to each other, and I'm in love with it.

In other news, finals are next week. That could be interesting for UCOR. Erk. I met with Dr. Davis yesterday. I am so obsessed with him too. It was one of the more amazing half hours of my life. My desk is a mess, and i have two papers to write today. Schweet. There are over 100 pictures of me on facebook, and many of them are most unattractive.

I find out about PA next friday. I am nervous. It would be an incredible blessing to recieve that honour, and yet, an incredible joy not to have that. I think, either way, I will cry. And how will that be, without my friends to surround me?

Popi, popi, I want to go to Turkey so badly. I've wanted to go for over a year. You know that, and I could go back to Mexico. What of that? Do you think so little of my desires? Do you know the pain I feel each day, waking up in this dreary city so full of life and dead to everything? Do you know the horror I feel on this campus? Only absorbed by Kayti and Alicia and the prayer group? Do you know the way my heart aches to be gone? to be struggling, to be growing, to be in pain?

But this is pain. And then, what would I have done without Naomi and Robb? Could life have existed?

Ahh MuKappa, I do love thee

en shallah, shalom,

sara

WABAM

What has Seattle done to me?

arr mateys

sara

Hallo.

Hiya.
I just wanted to drop you all a note since it has been sucn a long time since I last wrote! It has been a busy few weeks. We just finished up midterms (which on the quarter system, somehow manage to stretch on for about three weeks). So my stress level has significantly dropped. Let's see, what's been happening?

last weekend I went on a retreat with a "cadre" here on campus. Cadres are small groups that have faculty/staff oversight, and they count for credit towards CFE, the thing that makes sure we're involved spiritually oncampus (and basically doesn't work in the sense that people just make stuff up). The Cadre is called MuKappa, it's for missionary/third culture/kids who have a heart for the world. It was so great, we went up to Mt. Baker Baptist camp, drove up to Mt. Baker, played around in the snow for a few hours and then went back to the cabin where we had dinner and then played games (taboo, imaginiff) until about 2.30 in the morning. Some of the boys had to drive back up to the mountian because one of ht guys lost his watch, so when I finally crawled out of my sleeping bag the next morning, it was just me and Twaan that were awake. It was pretty cool, we had a nice talk and I really enjoyed getting to know him. He actually is on my friend's brother floor, so we have some mutual friends, and he used to live in my building so there are some connectinos there. It was really great, I love being on a college campus where you are basically one perosn away from everyone else. It's so amazing.

This week I had my interview for PA (same as RA). I don't think I will get the position, I'm pretty sure the interview went horribly. But that's okay, it just means that God has somewhere else that he wants to grow me in. And really, there are so many options of where God could use me. for instance, I just joined a Bible study off campus and every year they need poeple to serve as leaders in their middle school youth group, so I might look into doing that. I also applied for a job with Campus Ministries that would take up a big chunk of time next year. But it would be amazing. In fact, I really really want the job. I think the people would be amazing to work with (I have a friend who works there now and raves about it) and I could learn a lot from it.

Meh, we'll see, God always has interesting things up his sleeve.

Oh, and the Bible Study, I didn't say, is also good. I'm enjoying some new poeple, and it's a great half hour drive from campus with some crazy firneds of mine. They've gotten me into Billy Joel (we didn't start the fire... no we didn't light it....) and sech. It's great fun.


In other news!!!!!! oh wait, just kidding. nothing else exciting has happened. :) ahaha. I had you going there didn't I? This weekend I am headed off to a friend's house from Sunday to Tuesday so that will be a great break from life and stress.

Hope everyone is having a great long weekend. I love you all!

sara

oh ps, lots of people on my floor are getting sick. Sick with a capital S, as in norovirus and bronchitis. Ah, dorm life. but if you wouldn't mind praying I would stay healthy that would be super. I'm popping Vitamin C and Echinacea like an addict, but prayer is even better.

Okay this is mainly for me, so I can remember in years to come

I spent last night with Noelle. AMAZING. oh, how I adore that girl. Here's how it went.

It had rained (surprise? I think not) so we didn't want to sit on the porch, so we decided to go to Starbucks at the top of Queen Anne and get tea/chair. I got a London Fog and the girl even knew what it was so I didn't have to explain it and feel like a freak (as I had in the SUB when Tiffany just stared at me). So after we got my London Fog and her Chai we walked up and down the stree, past the bright lights of Safeway and around the men sitting outside Cafe Ladro on the adirondacks. It was so much fun. Just up and down, up and down.

We first (after Traci) talked about our life plans. Noelle is going to make a show that will end up on PBS about animals, because she is so obsessed with animal planet. Jen will be in on this too and will be the steady more normalish person while Noelle will draw in the crazies. Okay, so this show will make them multi millionaires, at which point Noelle will travel around and do missionary work. She won't even have to raise support becuase she will be living off the PBS show's money. (She may pass this down to someone or just do reruns, we couldn't decide.)

She meets a husband of course, they get married at about 27, we thought that was a nice round number. She has SIX kids, not even with Csections, my oh my is she brave. They will travel around the world as a family learnign to love and take care of each other, but also being crazy, because you have to be crazy and have fun if you're going to be in Nole's family. The kids will be great, well rounded, cultured, love Jesus, everything. And then she's going to be an amazing grandmoether, etc...

ME! Mine is less specific. I am going to the Middle East after graduation. I am going to preach the gospel, love, truth, beauty, and of course will be thrown in jail. But that is where the story begins. (laughter) I am going to write a book while in prison, it will be about love, joy, peace, reconciliation, all that is good in the world (and of course, Jesus too). This book will be written on scraps of toilet paper and the inside of my clothing (wouldn't want to make the guards suspicious). Of course, it will win a Pulitzer Prize, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. One day, the guards will be angry anyway, probably because I keep trying to convert them. They'll come in and start beating me. But in the midst of my crying out "Jesus, save me!" there will be a clamor fromt he cell across the hall. Someone is shouting for them to have mercy, to torture him in my place.

You've guessed it. We meet through the bars in this subterranean prison, fall desperately in love and promise to marry the day we are released. And we will be released, because by this point, Noelle will be a Nobel Peace Prize winner, and she is out there doing advocacy for us. We get out, get married in our rags by the nearest preacher or rabbi or even Noelle herself. (I don't think it would count if an Imam did it...) We'll have FIVE kids, hopefully a pair of which will be twins. AH! I'm so excited. We'll move to Latin America and love the people and do great things in the Name and Glory of GOD.

Can life get better? And just think! Everyone will want to come to SPU after that. Jen will attract the normal ones, I'll get the Bible Thumping Zealots and Noelle will make the crazies salivate over our little college at the bottom of Queen Anne Hill.

Okay, the night gets better.

We sit in Noelle's car and she is telling me what she is learning about God. AHHHHHH. So exciting, I am practically shaking and going mad with joy and excitement. Okay, here is what God has done. Clark is really anti God and church and thinks we are all fools for believing in it. Anyway, he came to visit over homecoming weekend, and Noelle asked him to go to Mars Hill with her on Sunday. The parentals were coming, all that, and she told him she didn't want to pressure him or make him do something he didn't want to, but this is a part of her life and family weekend is about sharing in your sister's life. So he went. And Noelle is just praying, Oh God, I don't know how. But please, please let it speak to Clark. Please let Mark say someonthing you did it for me, please do it for him.

Mark taught about Christianity in business.
Clark is getting ready to take over his dad's business.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Jesus, you are SO amazing. I can't even get over it!!!!!!!!!!!! Noelle said that so much of what he talked baout was Clark, Clark, Clark, Listen up kiddo! He talked about money, and how we shouldn't work just to earn money and get rich--totally opposite of Clark. And Mark talked about being wise, and shrewd, but not taking advantage of others. He talked about hard work and so much more. Oh, GOD YOU ARE SO AMAZING.

Clark told Noelle after the service that he wished he lived in Seattle so he could go to Mars Hill. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you kjnow what a jump that is for him? Noelle's entire family is ust discovering God. It made me want to jump up and down and scream and shout praises to God. He is so incredible. He loves us and he just wants to be with us and draw us to him. He is GREAT.

We talked about other things, like people who don't believe and what happens to them. Also people who never hear that name of Jesus. And we talked about, oh everything! I told her that sometimes I want to run and shout and sing for God, but I can't do that in a dorm. Well, NOelle is crazy, as has already been mentioned. So we decided that sometime I am going to come down to Emerson and we are just going to run through the halls yelling about Jesus, and brusting into song as the Spirit leads. OH my word, I am so excited.

She also tlaked about how some people just don't take it seriously. (There are a lot of people like that here.) She said that if Christians really love God and that is really what they are all about there should be something different. Like with Nick, and then she said the most beautiful words to me. "You konw, like you. You are so full of life and joy, Sara Bibb. There is something different about you." AHHHHHHH. Jesus, no one has ever said that to me! I've always wondered if there really was something different about me, or if I was just the same as the world. But Noelle said I was different, am I'm full of joy!! God, I'm full of your JOY!

And then I was walking home, and it was starting to rain. (surprise?) I was walking along, kind of sorry for myself that I was missing our raid (though Noelle was SO beyond worth it) and sad that my hair was getting wet. (because I hadn't just showered a few hours before) Suddenly, I had this thought. Jesus rains down mercy on us, he showers us with love and grace. Just like the rain. I started dancing.

Dancing and laughing and singing and telling Jesus just how amazing he is. Because he is. Oh, he is. God, what can I even begin to say about you? I should have written down the psalm that was in my heart last night. But even that could not begin to describe the wonders of Glory, peace, grace, love, justice and everything else that is you and yet hardly begins to comprehend you. What glorious beauty it is to know you. I have decided that beauty is not just an idea, I can taste it, feel it, drink and sleep in it.

"I don't even understand it Sara Bibb. I'm not a good person. But when I pray for stuff like this, God always answers it. I just don't even get it."


(take it, love it, revel in it. It is her story, it is my story, it is your story, it is the story of God that we are all caught up in.)

an update... Week 4

So, it's week 4 of my quarter! I have midterms next week, and then we're off to a running start towards the end. I feel like this quarter is going by really quickly, and it is sad because I really enjoy my classes. I think I am doing pretty well in all them too, so that has been very nice.

One of the best things about this week-besides my insane stress level due to PA (RA) applications- was last night. I went to the OPERA!!!!! A bunch of kids from my University Core class went to see Don Giovanni! My proffessor has some connections and he got us tickets half off, so it was affordable (yay!) and basically amazing beyond words. (the pictures are me and Kirsten, me and Karin [my roomie] and me and Nick)

Besides that, my week has just been busy busy busy. I have some more intense classes this quarter, mainly just a lot of reading. As well, I am applying to be a PA next year, and that has been time consuming (finding references and such). But I am loving the grey (the sun came out earlier) and actually, sort of missing the rain.

I recently started meeting with a mentor, that was really exciting. I may be joining a small gorup on my floor or a bible study off campus with my friend Nick. This depends on whether or not I decide to start training with the rugby team. Would you mind praying for me in this? I want to do it all, but I know I can't. Especially, because some of those things occur at the same time. I am having difficulty deciding, I really miss rugby, by I want to join the small gorup on my floor really badly. I also know that I couldn't really be on the team at least for about 7-8 weeks, because of some medical stuff--and by then the season will be close to done. I am thinking of just talking with the coach about what I can do to train for next year. But it's a big decision, so please keep me in your prayers.

I love you all a lot! Hope you are having a blessed week and you are coasting in towards the weekend!

sara

(sighing)

I can't decide how I feel about a certain friend. Ah me, I think I personalize too much of what is said. I should work on that.

Connor, Connor, will you ever updat? I can't even think about linking you until you update. You should be proud of me, though you'll never read this. I pick up the NY Times every day. I even read it. (and then I recycle. Yes, I am green!) I was right about Obama. Of course I was. I've been predicting it since last year. (and I mean school year not as in December 29th jaja) Do you think Hilary will make it out of the primaries? I don't think she will. I think it would be too difficult of a ticket for the Dems to propose. She simply has too high of a hate index, she's too controversial. I'm hearing that her lax position on the 'war' even has several Democrats against her. And what was she thinking spending all that time in Pakistan and Iraq? She let Obama have the entire state of NY to himself for a few days! What foolishness. Do you think Kerry will really make a run at it? And on the Republican side, all I have heard is the Mormon from Massachusettes. Who else Connor? Where are you when I need you to tell me who else in the beloved party is going to run? Somehow, I miss our sparing. Have I told you Connor? I'm going to be a PoliSci major. Who'd've picked it? I told Meyer, he just stared at me and then said, "but you slept through AP Gov." Jaja. What ironies of life.

I woke up this morning happy. Do you know how long it has been since that happened? And I didn't have a headache. Maybe this whole not cracking my neck/back oath with God really has some ramifications. Either way, I'm keeping it.

Either way, I was happy. Or content. Somewhere in my dreams, or perhaps in floor worship last night, something changed. God seemed to have changed, but then, that isn't possible. I guess I changed then. Of course, it seems so logical, so simple to say that. But something in it seems so much wider and deeper to me. I changed. I became more aligned with who God is. I fell down a level and deeper into the great waters of his love. I think the water up there, it was icy and cold, I had to be woken up to something. I had to be refreshed. Kenji says you can only be refreshed to a certain point before you want to climb back into the car and be comfortable again. But God didn't leave that as an option. He held my head under icy water, icy and then released me. I don't even think I came up for air before I sank down deeper. And there was something I found below the arctic. I didn't know which way was up or down, I was swimming in dark circles, full of pain and confusion. It hurt. A lot. And then I got down, somehow He pulled me down, and I found that the water below the ice is actually warmer.

Isn't that something? It was warmer. Sweeter. Not comfortable. But then not so painful. I think there must be words swarming all around me in the water. My eyes are being washed. Sometimes, silt and sand comes in and it hurts. It burns. But it seems to scrape a film from my cornea. And then I can see even more clearly. It's like an exfoliant for my eyes, and my skin as well. I'm being scraped of my humanness. I'm learning what it is to be without humanity.

And somehow, it is beautiful. In all its unexpectancy.

dead

I am really tired. I didn't sleep last night. The room was too hot, my blankets drowned me. Suffocated me. My light managed to flick on and wake Karin. (today, in the air of our room, I can tell she is still upset though she would never admit) I read. Oh, it seemed so long since I had read.

Has Romans ever awoken such sorrow and self loathing before? Have I ever felt so unworthy, so perfectly disgusting and tired of the world before? Have I ever known such pain?

It was even literal. My head pounded, it had for hours. Later, I would wake in the night several time to find my head still boomed with thunder in my temples. Perhaps the weather, for it snowed today. It is snowing. This moment.

The moment is gone.

Has Romans ever stirred me so painfully? This hurts, so deeply, so badly. Oh Lord, why did you make me this way? I am in such pain, such tatters of myself, I can not be a human being. What is this flesh that I am wearing? It can not be real. I am cut to the core, I am cut through all I am. This can not be real.

But I read Romans, it is, it is real. I have traded such treasures for the quiet of my room. For the loneliness I complain of. I have traded such grandeur for lowly scraps from the table of sitra achra. I should pray Krias Schema. would I fee better then? Would something wake up? Would it come alive.

I am like Ivan Ilyich. I am screaming, but no one hears me, they are ignoring me. I am like the man with the lizard. The angel is cutting it away with his sword. I gave him permission, but it hurts! It burns! I am dying! I am dead! will it ever become the horse?

Romans. I can not recall ever reading it. But my blankets dragged me down into an abyss. Abyss. what a slithering word. The light hurt my eyes. Blinded, burned. Karin woke, she's angry now, cleaning the curling iron. Rolling thunder in my head, now the pain stretches to my neck, my shoulders. What pain is this? Have I ever felt it before?

Romans.

But Karin's phone begins to ring.

straight from facebook:

Sara is everything and nothing.
all wrapped up in the glorious.


that's right.

[EDIT]

I WANT TO SHOUT FROM THE MOUNTAIN

oh my gosh. You guys. Do you realize how amazing God is? I have lately been seeing him in various things in my life. And he is insane!! He is so forgiving, so loving, so merciful, so incredible. Even when bad things happen, even when problems come up and we dont' know what to do, he is always there, working in hte background--working in the foreground. He is love.

HE IS GREAT.

I just want to stand on a car and sing at the top of my lungs. I want to run through the woods and dance over logs and laugh. I want to find someone and just hold hands, spinning in a circle, with our heads thrown back and our hair whipping in the wind, just screaming. I want to tell everyone. I wish I could stand on a mountain top, with the wind swirling snow around my ankles holding my hands up, leaning my head back, smiling, laughing, singing, with tears streaming down my face.

How could I have ever doubted? How could I have ever forgotten? How could I have ever wondered? And we did, we did forget. We did question. We did begin to believe the world. That apathy is all there is. That passion has no meaning. That love is small and easily discarded. That grace and joy are not the greatest reward.

And yet--they aren't! The glory of heaven, the glory of the Christian life--Glory-- is acceptance and welcoming by God into his arms. Glory is to be known. To be known.

Wise or Otherwise

Every house has it's black chimney.

A house of daughters is a cellar full of sour beer.

Twelve horses can not pull back what a tongue has let go.

The ocean can not be emptied with seven spoons.

What three people know, everyone knows.

ah the obligatory...

since I skipped the usual "merry Xmas" post. Here's a short update on my life before I go to bed.

this is me holding Faith, one of Kelli William's twins! I got to feed and burp her, she is so sweet. 5 pounds, 4 ounces. She was born December 26 at 3.30 am along with her sister Callie. I am so excited, it was my one Christmas wish, that I could hold these girls before going back to school, and it came true!

(halfway at least. Callie decided she wanted to come out left arm and left leg instead of head or rear. So in the process of repositioning her, the doctor bruised her ankle and broke her wrist. [which is now in the cutest little splint] So I can't hold Callie. But Faith was so beautiful! Please keep the Williams in your prayers as they bring the babies home this week!)

Merry Christmas all the year round.

sara

Well

I finished another one.

Geez, I have too much time on my hands. Now it's back to Ags.