WOOT!

Woot for Jesus! Because as I told Lindsey and Cami the other day, I am only the hands that type.

50,127 words.

yes ladies and gentlemen, I have just finished 9 days ahead of schedule.

scratch that, Jesus has finished it 9 days ahead.

sara

welome to seattle. I walked to safeway in the pouring rain today. (without an umbrella)

The sky is grey, soft and far away. The last leaves cling to just a few of the enormous trees out her window. Houses dot the hillside. Another car has just come into the parking lot. A red fence sags under the wight of water. It rained today. But that is not a surprise. It rains everyday. Christmas lights twinkle around the ceiling of her room. There she lies, on the bed, freezing under a blanket. Someone is screaming and running in the hall. Sighing, she throws the blanket back, gets up, shuts the door. She settles down again, with another blanket and a mug of cold tea. This time on the desk, cheek pressed against the glass that lets in the outside world. Her breath makes fog on the cold window. Outside there is nothing, only greyness. A song plays from her laptop.

And it's just you and me
here now
Only you and me
Here now.
And I will
Worship
you lord, only you Lord
and I will, I will bow down
before you, only you Lord.

and it's just you and me here now.
only you and me
it's you and me
and it's just you and me
here now.

She sits the mug on the desk, empty. Burries her head in her hands and cries. God, God where are you? Where have you been? What is this that I have fallen into? This is not me, this is a lie, and it is apart from you. O God, O God, what have I become? her voice begins to rise, she begins to rock. Back and forth, back and forth. Save me, from myself. I'm so afraid, so alone, so not who I am, who I was, who I want to be. But you promised! and then softer, you promised. And I will wait on you.

The sun breaks through the clouds. Not strong, a single ray. But the rain has stopped. A shaft of light breaks into the grey landscape. Another leaf flutters to the ground, dancing on the wind, fighting to stay in the sky, but in the end he reaches the moist ground where he will disolve and lose shape. But everything must die before it can truly live.

I must die before I can truly live.

sighing

Popi,

yo se que no te gusta que estemos tristes, pero ahora, estoy una poquita triste. I am a lump of sadness. Jaja. Pero, a veces Popi es la verdad. Ya es. Es porque, quiero un novio ya. Es un poquito raro no? Antes de ayer, estaba tan contenta con ser sola. Y ya, no es como quiero un novio para completarme. Yo se que soy una persona completa en tu. Y yo se que no necesito un novio. Es raro no? Estoy contenta sin un novio, pero en el mismo tiempo, lo quiero.

Creo es la culpa de Kathleen y Jorge. Ellos tiened una relacion muy bien, y tambien otras de mis amigas aca. Hay un hombre aca que me gusta, y a veces yo tengo deseos.... No mucho, solo a veces. Popi, es muy mal? o no? No se que debo pensar en esta situacion.

Popi!! Porque me amas? No es de mi personalidad, o mis perfeciones. (Jaja) Soy la opuesta. La opuesta. Pero me amas con todo de mis problemas. Porque tengo estas emociones? Sean importantes para ti? O no? Yo se que nos dijiste que todo es importante a ti. Pero este? Ja, creo que no. Entonces, es muy mal, que estoy hablando contigo de esto.

Entonces, quiero hablar de cosas mas importantes. Tu gloria, por ejemplo. Voy a tener tu gloria? No, no es posible. Tenera tu bien opinion? Ja, no. No puedo creerlo. Pero, eso es la bonita de nuestra relacion. Tu eres mas que puedo entender. Ja, Popi, porque me amas, me encantas, me aceptas? Porque?

Muchas gracias para este, para me amas. Tu eres bastante para mi, no? Tu fuerte es mas perfecta en mi debilidades. Muchisimas gracias para todo. Mi vida, mi familia (!!), mis amigos, tu amor, todo.

Te extrano. Quiero volver a cielo, a mi lugar.

Te amo. Me recuerdas.

I read the news today oh boy...

I am actually listening to that song right now, and it so perfectly describes how I feel. There is a bunch of crap going on back at home. What is wrong with the world? What is wrong with people? How can we honestly, truly be this screwed up? And I can do nothing. Even prayer seems so meaningless right now.

on a happier note, I am at 33,688 of my 50,000 words for the month, and I got all of my classes for next quarter. So my sched looks like:

MWF 9.30-10.50
UCOR (arts and Christian Community)

MWF 11.00-12.20
Intro to Politics

MWF 1.30-2.50
Intro to Sociology

M 6.00-8.50
Community Economic Developement

that's right. I don't have any classes TR. woot Jesus. Just think how much I can write then!

in mourning,
Sara

hm

You know, as I write this novel, I have really been learning about my relationship with God. I think I have discovered this whole new aspect that I never knew about before. The characters in this novel have become real people, important people to me. Not like I have conversations with them, that would be bad. But I just got back fromtelling Kellie and Lindsey that they're courting now, and it's exciting. I'm excited for Isaac and Agie in this relationship. (no thhis is not a cheap romance novel)

I feel like I can understand, at least in part, how God feels towards us. We are his creation and he takes great pride in us, and he wants the best for us. He doesn't want to destroy or hurt something that he created, that would be heart wrenching to him. I never knew what this was like before this novel. I really want life to turn out okay for Isaac and Agie. and even though they aren't real, I am excited to see what happens in their life (which of course I am in control of). I don't know if this makes much sense, but, it does to me, and I am mainly writing this post just so I never forget what it felt like to discover this great love that God has for his creation.

much love to all,

sara