Alright, so something in my life has some closure

It's official.

I am going to Seattle Pacific University for college. Yay. My mother keeps asking me why, and I guess that's what this post is about. Why am I going to SPU? I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and you know, this is pretty much the best answer I can come up with.

I frankly have no idea.

In fact, I am hoping neither of my parents ever reads this because it will freak them out. I am not going to SPU as everyone thinks, because they have some major that I can't find any where else. In fact, as of right now, I am going to be a Political Science major (please, hold the side splitting Laughter [connor]). Yes ladies and gentlemen, my major, international affairs is under PolySci and therefor I am technically entering the proffesion I most despise. Yeah. I am not going to SPU to be in the middle of a city, although the ethnicity and such is quite amazing, and insanely exciting. (I think they even have mormons there!) I am not going because I had a great visit, it did in fact suck, majorly. I am not going because I had a burning bush, if anything, my burning bush would have been at Northwestern.

But then, Virginia did tell me on my visit, there was only ever one burning bush, and even Moses didn't get the whole picture. So, God only knows why I am going to this school. And that's not really a pun at all, it's quite true.

I am going to SPU because I somehow know, that this is where God wants me. Everyone I have talked to has said something that keeps screaming at me to go to SPU. Natalia told me I can't make the wrong decision. And besides, what will college matter once I'm back at home in Costa Rica? I could have cried when she said that. But that isn't strange, there have been lots of times the past few months when I could have cried. I am going to Seattle because there seem to be---no there are signs from God everywhere. You know that scene in Bruce Almighty, when he asks for a sign and then the truck with all those road signs drives by? That has been my life lately, I just didn't know it. I think I have finally just opened my eyes and seen that this is it. This is where God wants me.

For once in my life, I think I am actuallytaking a step of faith. Real faith. Not some mission trip to Costa Rica hoping that my Spanish won't turn people away from God. Not trying to find the right job and share my love with the people around me. No. Not like that at all. I am taking a real step of faith. I am going to a place where I know no one, and where I did not have a good visit, I didn't even have any peace about it until I made the decision.

But that's not it. I'm going, and not only do I not know why, I don't want to go. But then I do. I want to go because I want to do God's will for my life, and this is his will. It's just not the part of his plan that I like so very much. Kathleen is going to Colombia from October to May. Nine months. Do you have any idea how jealous I am? I just stood looking out the window at the clouds scuttling by after reading her letter and I wanted to scream out to God. Why are you doing this to me? Why can't I go to Costa Rica with ITeams? Why can't I go to Turkey with Anna-Kate and Dorle? why can't i just not go to college? But at the same time there is this voice in my heart, or maybe it is my head, and he is just there telling me that it's okay. Because he loves me and he has it all worked out for me. Yes, blessed are the feet of them who bring good news, but little one, sarita, don't you understand? Blessed are they tht hunger and thirst for righteousness as well. And is my plan not righteousness in its perfection? in the simple reality that it is my will?

So I don't know why I am going to SPU. Except that for some reason unbeknownst to me, that is where God desires me to be. I really wish that I knew why now. I really, really wish that I had even just a glimpse of why I feel that I am forsaking everything I have ever wanted and following him to rainy seattle. But I guess that for right now, this is my cross, so I'm trying to pick it up and carry it. It's just a lot harder than I expected. I'm impatient, I don't like waiting.

But then, I guess the unveiling will be well worth the wait.


Kendéke malámu,
sara

she's a lday...whoa whoa whoa...she's a lday

this is the dress I want to wear to prom. ... now I just need a date.

good night, from Seattle, Washington.

sara

I am terrified

of leaving.

what am I going to do? Oh God, let me go to Seattle so I will at least know Hannah. And what if I fail? What if I lose the scholarships that are somehow making this dream possible? What if I end up like Rusty, a drop out, stocking shelves at Wal-Mart? Or Target, or where ever my failure of a cousin is at these days. What if I hate it? What if I just want to come home? What if everyone hates me? What if I'm not as smart as I sometimes think I am? What if I give in to peer pressure because I am so desperate for friends? what if I lose it? What if I lose my faith? What if I forget about everyone I'm leaving behind? And I don't just mean the ones that are going away as well, but what about Kara, Justin, John? What about Maryn? How can I survive without Parm yelling at me four times a week?

I'm so scared that I'm going to end up screwing everything up. You know, I am finally okay with life here. Colorado is growing on me, Grace is nice, I have friends, I have something of a group to hang with (even if I am the oddball), I have a life here. I'm so scared of just up and leaving it. But if I don't go away, everyone else is leaving, everyone else is going. I feel like I must be the only one who isn't ready for this. Everyone told me that come March I would be dying to get out of here. Well it is April in 1 hour and 52 minutes, and the desire to leave hasn't hit me yet. What if I'm like Rusty and I just can't admit it to myself that I don't want to go to college? What if I go to the wrong place? What if I do the wrong major? What if I do graduate in three years, then what?

I'm so scared. We started talking about my grad party this week. Oh my gosh, this week is my last Spring Break ever as a child. Ever. I have to grow up now, or at least, in something like 53 days, I have to grow up. How does this not freak everyone out? How does one deal with this calmly, let alone look forward to it with excitement?

oh my gosh. I can't do this. I just, can't.


I need to go listen to Redemption Songs. That will make me feel better, especially number three. Yay Jars of Clay.

Ma as-salaamah,
sara

if you have low self esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

what do you think about mormons?







(yeah, the picture is a cover for some book, but I am having issues cropping, and it was the only picture that explains how I feel.)